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EmailConfessions of a high school loser
Posted Jun 13 2011, 9:34 am in Entangled Publishing, Muse Food, Randomness, socially awkward
Okay. Confession time. I was never what you’d call a girl’s girl. No. I preferred mud pies to tea parties. Sketchers boots to strappy shoes. Fart jokes and rough housing to girl talk and glamor. Hell, I didn’t even wear make-up until I was over eighteen. I tried once, but it was a disaster. I had no clue what the hell I was doing. Seriously. I Made Tammy Fae Baker look like a cosmo girl. And clothes? Don’t get me started. All I owned was flannels, jeans, and tank tops. Anything that would hide me. Because attention? Especially from boys? Hell frigging no. I didn’t want that. I wouldn’t know what to do with that.
So while most of the other girls in my class were flirting and hanging at the mall, I was jumping off things, breaking bones, and getting into fights. I can (proudly??) say that I’ve broken most of my ribs, eight of my toes, four fingers, both knees, and…well, you get the picture…
I was sick a lot when I was younger. So bad that I was in the hospital ER every other night. Because of this, I missed a lot of school, and I think that hampered my ability to blend in socially–especially with other girls. I just didn’t know how to interact with them on their level. I didn’t understand them. And they definitely didn’t understand me. Guys were easier. Way more accepting and SO not catty. To them, it didn’t matter if your shoes matched your shirt, or you were wearing last seasons trend. So yeah. The few friends I did have were guys–and not the epic hot friend-but-wants-to-be-more kind. Just guys.
The girls though… The girls were brutal. Bru-tal. A day didn’t go by that I didn’t go home feeling horrible. I wanted to be one of them. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t like me for who I was. I kept thinking, if they’d only get to know me, they’d see. Just because I sometimes said things they considered weird, didn’t mean I was a freak. Just because I didn’t talk, act, and dress exactly like them, I could be cool, too. Never happened though. They threw stuff at me during class, called me names and laughed constantly, and eventually, managed to turn even the few guy-friends I had against me. For awhile, I just took it in silence. But that only lasted so long. By sophomore year, I’d had it. They barked? I bit back. Hard. It got so bad, I was actually kicked out of school for fighting. Well, that was the main reason. The missed school played a role in this–the teachers never did believe I was truly sick. They thought we’d coerced the doctors somehow into writing all those notes.
Yeah.
A few years ago, I was at a gas station filling up. It was late, I can’t even remember where I was going or why I was alone, but this van pulled up on the other side of me. The guy gets out and makes like he’s going to gas up, then, instead, grabs me and tries to shove me in the van. My days of putting up with shit were long over. I kicked his ass. It probably didn’t hurt that he was pretty drunk, but still, my ass kicking was epic. Really! I broke the dude’s nose 🙂 The cops came and other people started pulling in to get gas (cause, yeah, now they show up) and one of them happens to be this girl from high school. She’s dressed to the nines–perfect hair and make-up with designer label clothes. I’m still wearing the same old same old–Vans, ratty jeans and a tank top with Roadrunner on it. She didn’t remember me, but oh yeah, did I remember her. (I also know she works a 9-5 job she hates and has a child with a deadbeat Dad) She said, and I quote, “I would have been terrified. What you did was amazing! I probably would have just stood there screaming.”
So now I’m amazing? Funny. I’m no different–other than being older, smarter, and slightly less tolerant of stupidity–than I was in high school.
Go figure.
Now that I’m all grown up, I can say I’m glad I was never one of them. To take it one step further, they actually did me a favor. I’m stronger because of my high school days. Independent. And while some of the girls that were sitting pretty at the top of the world in high school are now scraping the bottom of the life barrel, I couldn’t be happier. I’ve got a guy that would move heaven and earth to make me happy, a roof over my head, and the most awesomest job in the entire universe.
What about you? Were you outside the crowd? It’s a rough place to be. How did you deal? Maybe you were the opposite of me. One of the It girls. Did you make someone’s life a living hell?
18 Comments
Wow, what a powerful post! You are stronger because of it. And now you have material for your writing!
I was a band geek in high school. Didn’t go to either of my proms. I had friends, but was never in the “in” click. I’m doing much better now. 🙂 Just like you.
I missed my proms too. I think that’s the one thing I regret most about the whole thing. Not that anyone would have ASKED me, but still…
And, hell yeah. Because of those days, I’ve got a ton of angst and attitude stored for many, many books. Gives me warm fuzzies 😀
I always admire the people who find that comfort in their skin without conforming to some imaginary ideal. I was never part of any crowd, and glad for it. I went to high school in a small town, so you had a choice of the popular crowd, the stoners, the jocks and the hicks. I didn’t fit in with any, and I hate being put in a box like that. Besides, what constitutes popular? My experience is the “mean girls” persona. Good for you for staying out of it. And kicking some guy’s ass is even better. 😀
I hate labels. HATE them. What’s wrong with people just being people, ya know? We’re better off for not fitting into that box. Besides, me? I’m seriously claustrophobic 😀
You go girl! As a military brat, I spent a lot of time in a lot of different schools so I never really did figure out the crowd
That had to be hard, always moving around. Fitting in and dealing with high school is bad enough in one place, but to start all over again daily…Wow!
My dad builds golf courses for a living and so I moved a bit as a kid. I was certainly never popular. I didn’t care about clothes or the fact that I came to school smelling like a barn. I had a horse, and she was my best friend. Definite tomboy here! For the most part I didn’t really care what people thought of me. Now I have a husband and two wonderful daughters. I wonder if my worst tormentors fared so well…
I gotta say, I DO find the happies in seeing how some of those mean kids kind of peaked in high school. Horrible, I know 😀
And a horse? That’s SO frigging awesome! I worked on horse farms throughout my teens and loved every second of it!
I was definitely in the “geek” crowd in High School, although I was also friendly with the stoner crowd. I wouldn’t want to go back, but I don’t hold any grudges against the kids from my high school. They weren’t really that terrible to me, and they, like I, were trying to figure out where they fit in and grow up. I think the worst damage to me from high school was that I never really knew any girls. I was shy and a bit outcast. But now I’ve got an amazing and beautiful wife, wonderful kids, and we do very well for ourselves. So I wouldn’t change a thing. And I wouldn’t go back if you paid me.
Aww you wouldn’t go back? Not even for a cheese wedge? 😀
What an AWESOME post! Congratulations to you for finding the inner strength to be you!
I was never part of the “in” crowd in high school and tho at times it bothered me, fitting in definitely did not rule my daily plans. Today I am so happy that I am comfortable in my own skin – I do what I want, when I want and rarely care what anyone else thinks.
In so doing, I find that some old classmates have found my life interesting and have friended me on FB. Some I accept and others I don’t bother with – sometimes my memory is too long, and sometimes FB is just like high school all over, except with people in their late 40’s acting as catty as their teenage selves.
The most wonderful feeling in the world is being comfortable with who you are…!
OMG. Judy, that’s SO true about FB! It’s sad to see that some people just never grow up! Thanks for stopping by 😀
I was a choir geek Jus! LOL
So I made it through high school dodging the it girls and hanging with my own “kind”. 🙂
Adolescence is a tough time and it’s even harder that there are mean kids who feel big by making others feel small. It sucks.
But it did make you strong! 🙂 That’s the sign you aren’t a victim. You can recognize the past could have been better, but you also recognize it helped make you the cool person you are today.
They didn’t beat you!
Great blog!
*HUGS*
Lisa 🙂
It really did make me who I am, so, really, I owe them 😀 Maybe a fruit basket? With rotten fruit?
Okay.. so maybe I’m harboring a LITTLE leftover resentment 😀 Thanks for coming by 😛
Great post, Jus.
I think being comfortable in your own skin is so important.
(and I love how you kicked ass! You sound like a brilliant heroine 🙂 )
Actually, I’d make a very clumsy heroine. One easily distracted by cheese. 😀 Thanks for coming by!
Oh man I feel your pain! If I ever die and go to Hell — HS will be where they stick me. At least you got to be kick ass I was the brainy nerd who couldn’t be talked to because smart might be catching.
Great post!
I feel your pain! Life would have been so much easier if I could have just hung out in the teacher’s lounge with people who understood me…
I didn’t advertise what a good student I was, but I wasn’t about to play dumb to please anyone else either.